Growing Pains

Excerpt from “Someone Else’s Diary, Vol. II”
By Ree

In talking with a friend one day, he made mention that he was missing the closeness he used to enjoy with the Lord. He said that he used to grow spiritually in leaps, but as of late, had not been growing at all. Undoubtedly, this was frustrating to him. To know the sweet spirit of Jesus and to be intimate with the Lord and then, for some inexplicable reason, the presence of the Lord can no longer be felt...we’ve all been there.

I thought about this man’s trouble. My reply to him was "Nothing grows continually." Nature is a great example of this truth. Leaves reach the pinnacle of their lives in the fall. The color turn is brilliant; smatterings of bright yellow, red, orange, and brown is the envy of any painter's pallet. But then the leaves turn brown and dry, and as winter sets in, fall from the trees. Does this mean the tree has died? Not at all...the tree is merely dormant.

When spring arrives, new branches shoot out from the old, new buds appear, and the growth becomes apparent. And sometimes near the tree, new trees have taken root where seeds dropped from the first tree. New life springs up in the most unexpected places…miraculously.

We do not grow all the time. We need rest from growing sometimes, but what appears to be our dormant stage, is really when we are doing our growing. We are wrestling to move closer to God, we are actively seeking His will, reading His word, and searching for His face. We are fighting to overcome our unbelief. We are pushing through the darkness, all the while longing to regain that feeling of closeness to the Lord.

The dormant part of our spiritual walk is when we get to sit back and take a breather after the exercise is over. That is when we can be still long enough to look around to see the new fruit in our lives…we are more assured in our faith, we have touched those who have watched our battle, and we have ministered in ways we cannot even fathom sometimes.

Our growth does not happen when we feel the presence of the Lord. It happens when we don’t.

Thin, Grey Coat

Excerpt from “Someone Else’s Diary, Vol. II”
By Ree

Depression is a heavy burden to carry. I’ve carried mine for years….mostly undetected. I always thought it was normal to cry easily. I thought I was just created very sensitive and compassionate. I also thought it was normal to become so enraged about things that I would have horrible, violent dreams night after night, and my heart would pound in my chest. Only in the past few years have I discovered that my emotions were out of balance and most likely always have been.

Some things we must accept about ourselves. Just as anyone with any kind of affliction, I was beginning to realize the chemical imbalance that caused my depression would never improve. It could only be managed through prayer, exercise, medication, proper diet, and improved sleep. Depression was my ever present companion…at times silent, as though waiting to pounce the moment I ran into a situation that would frustrate me or when my hormone levels were high.

During these times, I usually could work through the black layers that clouded my thinking. But other times, for no apparent reason, I would find myself lying awake at night, tears streaming down my face as I acknowledged the deep secrets this heavy companion would whisper in the dark. “You have nothing to offer anyone.” “You wound everyone.” “You are unlovable.” I wrestled against this negativity for hours, and would try to pray, but no words would form. Finally, exhausted, I would fall asleep, only to wake to the same wretched darkness.

Winter months are the most difficult. The days of winter are short and the brief time that the sun might shine, coupled with the infrequency made functioning difficult indeed. Day after day, even if I am able to move from my desk at work, there is no sun; only gray skies that blend with the gray cement, and gray trees. When there is no snow in winter, like this year, the gray seems only more pronounced. And like this winter, my depression enveloped me so completely that I wore the weave of its despair, frustration, and anxiety like an old, ratty, grey coat.

One particularly icy afternoon I left my office for lunch. The sky was predictably grey and some of the branches of trees looked like grey spider legs stretching up to catch the web of grey clouds. Other trees were bent over by the weight of the ice that had coated their branches. I knew how they felt. They wore an invisible, heavy coat, too.

I thought about praying, but decided it was no use. My prayers would only bounce off the grey ceiling of the clouds. Just as I reached my car, beams of light from the sun broke through the grey clouds, touching the ice on the trees. I was suddenly surrounded by the brilliance of blue skies and dazzling, sparkling trees and grass. Every single tree branch illuminated, and as the thin coats of ice reflected that light, the light would bounce off other ice-coated branches. Everywhere I looked, trees were sparkling like they were coated in diamonds.

I began to hope. This weight I carry, when touched by the light from the Son was nothing less than…well…glorious. This must be what the Father sees when He looks at me through the light of the Son in the midst of my winter.

The Dance

Life with You can be so hard sometimes, like dancing without a song.
Not for what happens, but that I'm nervous to be dancing in Your arms
They are strong and hold me up, keep me from crashing to the ground
Lord, here You are so faithfully when no other arms are found.

This dance can be so overwhelming, and I'm afraid that I will fail
Make one mistake, one wrong move and the consequence will wail
In my ears, reminding me that I will never learn the steps.
It seemed years ago I knew just how to dance all by myself.

Why can't I seem to let go of who I was?
What holds me back? What's the key to letting go of the past?
She wasn't much without You, an angry woman dancing alone.
But still, it seemed she never questioned moving on her own.

God, hold my arms, hold me up, pull me, drag me if You must.
Just don't leave me here on the stage, to dance without Your love.
I need You more than I admit, when the song's drum is out of control
Without Your light, without Your love the dance will take away my soul.

Lord, one more time, one more turn, one more chance.
I'll get it right, I'll stay the course, and learn to dance
With two wrong feet, but one right heart, I know I can learn to let You lead
Follow You, Your gentle heart, just one more step, just one more beat.

Lord, dance with me, hold me close, don't let me miss another beat.
Lord, show me how to move with You, without stepping on Your feet.
You're all I have, You're all I want, God guide me across the floor
Be my Song, be my Dance, be the One I've waited for.