Thin, Grey Coat

Excerpt from “Someone Else’s Diary, Vol. II”
By Ree

Depression is a heavy burden to carry. I’ve carried mine for years….mostly undetected. I always thought it was normal to cry easily. I thought I was just created very sensitive and compassionate. I also thought it was normal to become so enraged about things that I would have horrible, violent dreams night after night, and my heart would pound in my chest. Only in the past few years have I discovered that my emotions were out of balance and most likely always have been.

Some things we must accept about ourselves. Just as anyone with any kind of affliction, I was beginning to realize the chemical imbalance that caused my depression would never improve. It could only be managed through prayer, exercise, medication, proper diet, and improved sleep. Depression was my ever present companion…at times silent, as though waiting to pounce the moment I ran into a situation that would frustrate me or when my hormone levels were high.

During these times, I usually could work through the black layers that clouded my thinking. But other times, for no apparent reason, I would find myself lying awake at night, tears streaming down my face as I acknowledged the deep secrets this heavy companion would whisper in the dark. “You have nothing to offer anyone.” “You wound everyone.” “You are unlovable.” I wrestled against this negativity for hours, and would try to pray, but no words would form. Finally, exhausted, I would fall asleep, only to wake to the same wretched darkness.

Winter months are the most difficult. The days of winter are short and the brief time that the sun might shine, coupled with the infrequency made functioning difficult indeed. Day after day, even if I am able to move from my desk at work, there is no sun; only gray skies that blend with the gray cement, and gray trees. When there is no snow in winter, like this year, the gray seems only more pronounced. And like this winter, my depression enveloped me so completely that I wore the weave of its despair, frustration, and anxiety like an old, ratty, grey coat.

One particularly icy afternoon I left my office for lunch. The sky was predictably grey and some of the branches of trees looked like grey spider legs stretching up to catch the web of grey clouds. Other trees were bent over by the weight of the ice that had coated their branches. I knew how they felt. They wore an invisible, heavy coat, too.

I thought about praying, but decided it was no use. My prayers would only bounce off the grey ceiling of the clouds. Just as I reached my car, beams of light from the sun broke through the grey clouds, touching the ice on the trees. I was suddenly surrounded by the brilliance of blue skies and dazzling, sparkling trees and grass. Every single tree branch illuminated, and as the thin coats of ice reflected that light, the light would bounce off other ice-coated branches. Everywhere I looked, trees were sparkling like they were coated in diamonds.

I began to hope. This weight I carry, when touched by the light from the Son was nothing less than…well…glorious. This must be what the Father sees when He looks at me through the light of the Son in the midst of my winter.