What a Girl Should Want
Excerpt from “Someone Else’s Diary, Vol. II”
By Ree
Craving acceptance is innate in all of us, to a greater or lesser degree. Rejection generates the need to belong. This is why our children struggle with their peers and why adults succumb to the will of society. Everyone wants to belong.
My own desire to belong started as a very young child and within my own family. My brother and sister, whether knowingly or not, rejected me as they were very close and tended to exclude me from their activities. When forced to take me with them, I was dubbed a “tagalong”. But I really just wanted to belong; to be accepted.
When I was in grade school, I found myself again on the outside looking in. I wanted friends…needed friends. But friendships of little girls are superficial at best, and very fickle. I was often picked on and mistreated by my classmates. I never really fit in for a number of reasons. In high school, I had a couple friends, but I never was fully accepted or wanted by my peers. I was not the typical teenager…I didn’t smoke, drink, or party. I didn’t sneak around on my parents…but I wanted to. I wanted to be with my classmates. I wanted a boyfriend, wanted stylish clothes, and to be invited for sleepovers. None of these things happened.
As you can imagine, by the time I graduated high school, my need for acceptance had become huge. I found solace with Christ followers at my sister’s church, but they were all much older than I was. I sought God for awhile, but after a year or so, found myself backslidden. I stopped attending church and began seeking out acceptance elsewhere…and I found it….for awhile.
As long as I compromised my beliefs, my intelligence, and my purity, I found acceptance in a man. Finally…I was “loved.” I had a boyfriend! Unfortunately, with the loss of my virginity, I also lost my sense of who I was and what I wanted. I never wanted to lose my virginity before marriage…yet there I was, on the floor of my boyfriend’s apartment. There was nothing special, nothing loving, nothing pure or holy about it. It was just him needing sex and me needing love. He got what he wanted…I didn’t.
My insatiable craving for love and belonging drove me to ignore what I knew to be right. Instead of heeding God’s word, I turned from Him. Instead of respecting my body and my mind, I gave myself over to a man who would eventually dispose of me. Instead of deciding for myself what I wanted, I allowed the norm of society to convince me otherwise.
Lately, God has been revealing to me just what I am willing to set aside even now for the sake of belonging to someone. I never really consider what is best for me when it comes to acceptance. I have such an ingrained fear of rejection, I will do anything to work my way around the possibility…right down to accepting people regardless of how they treat me. And yet, rejection is inevitable. I have become spineless and incapable of setting boundaries. I have lost my self respect, become blasé about premarital sex and purity, and I allow my fear to steer my course with people.
When I realized just how damaged I am, God began to speak to me.
“Rebecca, your wants and needs matter to Me. They should also matter to you. Setting them aside for others’ approval is destructive.”
I thought of all the men I’d been involved with, all the poor choices I’d made, all the damage I’d done to myself for the sake of being part of something...without even realizing it.
“You are My child. You are accepted by Me. You have My love. I desire you more than any other.”
I didn’t know what to say to Him. I’d lost so much ground on the battlefield of rejection. I had never learned to stay within the shelter of His approval. And yet, here was the God of all creation, the Beginning and End, the Alpha and Omega, the Great I Am, the Lamb that was Slain, Emmanuel, Jehovah, Holy One, Wonderful Counselor, Ancient of Days looking down on me and assuring me that He understood me and loved me better than anyone with whom I had sought acceptance from.
Oh, Wonderful God…dirty, filthy, ragtag, battle weary, beaten me…matters to You? How could I miss that? How could I overlook just how enormous and significant this fact is? Why could I not see this before? And if I am important to You, can it be I am worth something more than lost virginity on a dirty carpet?
By Ree
Craving acceptance is innate in all of us, to a greater or lesser degree. Rejection generates the need to belong. This is why our children struggle with their peers and why adults succumb to the will of society. Everyone wants to belong.
My own desire to belong started as a very young child and within my own family. My brother and sister, whether knowingly or not, rejected me as they were very close and tended to exclude me from their activities. When forced to take me with them, I was dubbed a “tagalong”. But I really just wanted to belong; to be accepted.
When I was in grade school, I found myself again on the outside looking in. I wanted friends…needed friends. But friendships of little girls are superficial at best, and very fickle. I was often picked on and mistreated by my classmates. I never really fit in for a number of reasons. In high school, I had a couple friends, but I never was fully accepted or wanted by my peers. I was not the typical teenager…I didn’t smoke, drink, or party. I didn’t sneak around on my parents…but I wanted to. I wanted to be with my classmates. I wanted a boyfriend, wanted stylish clothes, and to be invited for sleepovers. None of these things happened.
As you can imagine, by the time I graduated high school, my need for acceptance had become huge. I found solace with Christ followers at my sister’s church, but they were all much older than I was. I sought God for awhile, but after a year or so, found myself backslidden. I stopped attending church and began seeking out acceptance elsewhere…and I found it….for awhile.
As long as I compromised my beliefs, my intelligence, and my purity, I found acceptance in a man. Finally…I was “loved.” I had a boyfriend! Unfortunately, with the loss of my virginity, I also lost my sense of who I was and what I wanted. I never wanted to lose my virginity before marriage…yet there I was, on the floor of my boyfriend’s apartment. There was nothing special, nothing loving, nothing pure or holy about it. It was just him needing sex and me needing love. He got what he wanted…I didn’t.
My insatiable craving for love and belonging drove me to ignore what I knew to be right. Instead of heeding God’s word, I turned from Him. Instead of respecting my body and my mind, I gave myself over to a man who would eventually dispose of me. Instead of deciding for myself what I wanted, I allowed the norm of society to convince me otherwise.
Lately, God has been revealing to me just what I am willing to set aside even now for the sake of belonging to someone. I never really consider what is best for me when it comes to acceptance. I have such an ingrained fear of rejection, I will do anything to work my way around the possibility…right down to accepting people regardless of how they treat me. And yet, rejection is inevitable. I have become spineless and incapable of setting boundaries. I have lost my self respect, become blasé about premarital sex and purity, and I allow my fear to steer my course with people.
When I realized just how damaged I am, God began to speak to me.
“Rebecca, your wants and needs matter to Me. They should also matter to you. Setting them aside for others’ approval is destructive.”
I thought of all the men I’d been involved with, all the poor choices I’d made, all the damage I’d done to myself for the sake of being part of something...without even realizing it.
“You are My child. You are accepted by Me. You have My love. I desire you more than any other.”
I didn’t know what to say to Him. I’d lost so much ground on the battlefield of rejection. I had never learned to stay within the shelter of His approval. And yet, here was the God of all creation, the Beginning and End, the Alpha and Omega, the Great I Am, the Lamb that was Slain, Emmanuel, Jehovah, Holy One, Wonderful Counselor, Ancient of Days looking down on me and assuring me that He understood me and loved me better than anyone with whom I had sought acceptance from.
Oh, Wonderful God…dirty, filthy, ragtag, battle weary, beaten me…matters to You? How could I miss that? How could I overlook just how enormous and significant this fact is? Why could I not see this before? And if I am important to You, can it be I am worth something more than lost virginity on a dirty carpet?
posted by Ree @ 11:04 AM
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