Someone Else's Diary is Published!

It's been a tumultuous start to the New Year. My mother passed away on New Year's Eve, and it's been so difficult to pull myself along through my grief and sorrow.

Of course, I think about my mother's life a lot. Having raised 8 children as a stay-at-home mom, she spent her days figuring out how to feed us on a pauper's salary. Not the greatest housecleaner, she did at least like her laundry done rightl And she was a fabulous cook. But often she would receive gifts for her home, and would "put them away for good." We would never see those items again. Her hoarding reminded me of the scripture to not lay up treasures where moth and rust can destroy but to lay up treasures in heaven.

Her death has sparked in me a desire to acheive, to stretch, to be more than I am. To conceive of ways to reach my goals...to not find my treasure moth eaten when I die.

So, I have self published "Someone Else's Diary" Vol 1 and Vol 2 will be released in a couple months.

I pray this book falls into all the hands that the Lord intends, that minds are blessed and hearts are changed through my poor words and efforts.

For Members Only

(Inspired by my former church, Harvest).

Everyone wants to belong to something; to feel a part of a whole that is bigger than they. Having the ability to identify with an organization, a group, a team, a family is satisfying to most simply because of the need for acceptance. This drive within us is innate; purposefully installed within our hearts by our Creator. In YHWH’s infinite wisdom, HE saw we would require an internal motivation to seek HIM out.

Unfortunately, this force is easily corrupted as many spend their entire life seeking acceptance and often find such an experience in unsavory environments. Some are driven to modify behavior radically if only for the security and satisfaction of belonging. Organizations dangle the benefits of belonging in front of us through a plethora of venues to entice us to commit monetarily, emotionally, physically, or mentally and once engulfed, we will teach our children the necessity of belonging, passing to them the hope of satisfying the insatiable drive.

Churches are not exempt from this shameful exploitation of our needs. Church bylaws often try to conjure biblical reasons for us to commit to membership and the elder board, pastor, priest, or leadership present the benefits of membership as the fulfillment of their very loose interpretation of scripture. “This is a family.” “We serve together.” “We protect our flock.” These ideas are enticing and seductive, and as we listen to the promise of unconditional acceptance and unity, we sign on the dotted line; agreeing to doctrinal nonsense never intended by YHWH. In fact, church membership does more to cause division than unity within the Body of Messiah. Denominations fracture over scriptural interpretations; bylaws and doctrine encourage cliques, and leadership within the church permit inconsistencies between acceptable behavior and beliefs depending upon which members are serving more and those who struggle spiritually. These organizations set course on the good-intention paved road; and we all know where that leads.

Romans 12:3-5: For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith. For as we have many members in one body, and all members have not the same office: So we, being many, are ONE body in Christ, and every one members one of another.

YHWH never intended us to be divided by denomination or sold into membership. By faith, we are ALREADY members of the Body of Christ. We are already members. We should not need to sign on as members to any church organization… for this is a manmade, man-approved ploy promising acceptance by the leadership and other members. NO man has the right or the ability to approve any of us for anything. Rather than church membership, we ought to take a stand against such folly and simply relax in the knowledge that our approval for membership to the Body of Christ comes from ONE source only. This is what YHWH, the Most High GOD, the Alpha and Omega, the Holy ONE of Israel has to say about membership:

Isaiah 56:1- 7 Thus said the LORD, Keep your judgment, and do justice: for My salvation is near to come, and My righteousness to be revealed. Blessed is the man that doeth this, and the son of man that lay hold on it; that keep the Sabbath from polluting it, and keep his hand from doing any evil. Neither let the son of the stranger, that hath joined himself to the LORD, speak, saying, The LORD hath utterly separated me from his people: neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree. For thus said the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my Sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant; Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off. Also the sons of the stranger, that join themselves to the LORD, to serve him, and to love the name of the LORD, to be his servants, EVERYONE that keep the Sabbath from polluting it, and take hold of my covenant; Even them will I bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer: their burnt offerings and their sacrifices shall be accepted upon mine altar; for mine house shall be called an house of prayer for ALL people.

Membership in a church is a smoke screen…empty promises that raise unfulfilled expectations and hope for acceptance within an institution that ignores the WORD of YHWH which says that ALL people who hold the Sabbath and take hold of HIS covenant (the sacrifice of His Son, Yeshua Messiah) are the only requirement for admittance.

To those who have been disillusioned, dissatisfied, damaged, and/or disowned by any church, understand this: these organizations are manmade and fallible. They are twisted to the design of a man or men who may or may not serve YHWH. They are a warped imitation of what YHWH had intended for leadership of HIS flock. The architectural structure of the doctrinal establishment that has disappointed you is based upon the character and personality of a man. If there are any other conditions for “membership” placed upon you apart from the two previously outlined by the WORD of GOD (ie: requirements of signing a covenant, interviewing, taking a class, baptism, eating a live chicken, holding a rattlesnake etc.) then, as the LORD said, “Keep your judgment.” Perhaps that is one membership you can do without.

I'm Back

I have reached a dry spot with writing. I do not know if what was once an endless well has dried up because I wasted my talent on school papers or if YHWH has other plans for me and the season of writing is over. I hope HIS plan will include writing. I love words. I love to write. I love the effect what HE gives me to say can have on others as well as myself. I love communicating. We shall see where HE takes me.

Turning Away

Jeremiah 3:13-14 Only acknowledge your iniquity, that you have transgressed against the Lord your GOD and have scattered your charms to alien deities under every green tree, and you have not obeyed My voice, says the LORD. "Return, O backsliding children," says the LORD, "for I am married to you."

To my credit, I am a fierce defender of those whom I love, and a huge supporter of those who would be considered "underdogs." To my detriment, I also have a retaliatory nature…and my words can be a cutting, hot knife that can draw heart's blood in an instant. Coupled with discernment, I rarely miss my target. The LORD'S gift surely I wield both ways.

Lately, I confess…I have enjoyed the cutting jabs at people, in particular, those involved in a ministry that in my opinion flounders about with little knowledge or understanding. Still, some involved are GOD'S…those who truly belong to GOD I damaged in my taking aim at those who dealt wounds to me. I had become callous and uncaring, ready and able to affect revenge and make a mockery of the so-called ministry.

Here is my transgression…the self-righteousness, the pride, the lack of empathy, the hardness of heart…here is the scattering of my charms. After attempts to try to reason with those who had wronged me and were not representing Christ, I did not pray for them. I did not feel led to. I race after my "feelings" rather than what I know to be true and right. I ignored the call to pray for the Body of Christ, to pray for my enemies, to stand mute while wrongly accused. I failed to allow the LORD to defend me. I ignored my LORD.

This passage, this call to return to HIM nearly broke my heart in two. The LORD said, "For I am MARRIED to you." Marriage…HIS commitment to me to protect me, to hide me away…I ignored HIS covering. I jumped in to handle things on my own and sure enough, once I was outside HIS divine leadership, I became nothing less than a brute. He was calling and calling for HIS Bride…for me…and I ignored HIM…the ONE WHO loves me best, knows me best, WHO sacrificed all HE could possibly to have my charms to HIMSELF. HE was calling for my attention, for my affection. Instead, I ran after another lover, like the very harlot I accused others of being. I did not heed HIS call to peace between the brethern.

Oh repentance! Oh my LORD! My HUSBAND! I am here! I have returned! Take me back! Hide me again in the shelter of YOUR wings. Forgive me for the damages. Cleanse me. This is my heart's cry. To be softened and gentle again…to be the Bride HE created me to be. To trust HIM to handle all matters that buffeted me throughout the storm I was in.

How terrible to have become what I hate. ...

Jacob's Humility

Matthew 18:4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Athletes are well appreciated in my family. As with the world, my family looks upon athletics as a measure of success. Those who play sports receive quite a bit of attention, so when I was a child, I quickly learned the value of being a star. I was a great basketball player, great volleyball player, great runner...there was hardly a sport I would try that I did not excel at. Naturally, then, I expected my son to also be a fine athlete...and for him to be as proud of himself as I am of myself.

Jacob, though, was surprisingly uncoordinated as a young child. This was in part due to his ambidexterity...he couldn't decide which hand to throw with or bat with, which foot to kick a soccer ball with. I confess it was difficult waiting out those developmental years. I was impatient to see his athletic star rise!

Jacob is 12 now, and his athletic abilities seem to have just exploded this year. Jim calls him "deceptively fast"...his frame is long and lanky, and he doesn't appear to be moving when he runs. He has long legs and big, slow strides. But he is very, very fast. And strong. He has finally learned how to put moves on kids on the soccer field, and has become quite the strategist. No, his plan doesn't always work out, but he's thinking.

After a soccer game where Jacob had scored 3 goals, I, the beaming parent, offered him much praise on the drive home.

"Jacob, you played great! I'm so proud of you! I bet Coach Ted is really proud of you."

Jacob replied, "Why should he be? I learned everything from him. He's been teaching me for years."

I was a little taken aback. "Are you saying he should be proud of himself, then?"

Jacob's answer was short and simple, "Yes." His tone was humble. He did not boast, did not brag. He gave credit to his coach and never said another word about the game. Perfect humility.

This was my proudest moment yet.

Angel of Light

2 Cor 11: 13-14 For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel, for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.

This scripture was recently brought to my mind after an encounter with one such false apostle. The person was strong in the WORD, but as with all things, his true character was revealed over time.

Satan's power is in striking quickly...and I can be an easy target. I enjoy conversing with intelligent people and tend to be a little too warm and accepting. While this serves me well within trusted groups of friends, it is a dangerous character flaw in the world of chatrooms.

The party of whom I speak...I will call him Thomas for aninimity's sake...sent me an instant message after we had conversed in a chatroom. We discussed many biblical topics, and I found myself drawn to befriend him. He was a very knowledgeable, interesting person. Later I would discover that he was lost to the many maladies from which he suffered...and was quite willing to dwell on them. From the havoc being a junkie had wracked on his body, to the sexual identity crisis from early abuse, to his current dependency on prescription narcotics, this man seemingly was deserving of pity.

I came to realize however, pity is a useless feeling, for it only fed the fire of his narcissim. He would rail against all the christians he knew...how they failed him over and over, and would complain that no one ever called him; yet most the time his phone was unplugged. He would bemoan his deep depression, but yet did nothing to get out of bed during the day. He wallowed in his past, hated his present, and talked endlessly about his future as a Prince of the Most High God and how he would eventually sit in judgement of all who had hurt him. He was adament that the "elect of God" would be able to bar entry of offenders into the Kingdom at the White Throne Judgement.

I would listen to him indulging in this fantasy, and meanwhile, would tred carefully around sensitive topics. I would listen to him malign everyone...from his parents, to his ex wife, to his children, friends and even his pastor. No one was exempt from his judgement...and I was no exception. I merely waited for the other shoe to drop.

I found myself constantly trying to diffuse sticky conversations and avoid certain mood swings...which were of course attributed to bipolar disorder rather than a lack of self control. One night, while trying to assist him with reinstating his phone service because he had shut the service off then changed his mind, he began to belittle me....and there was the other shoe. (really, more of a steel toed boot).

When pursued, he ran. When confronted, he balked. When I pointed out I had helped him in every conceivable way including financially, he threw a tantrum and insisted all I cared about was money. I could almost see the demon in him sneering at me. After a final attempt to reason with him, I closed the door.

I am hesitant to call evil good and good evil. However, when someone claims Christ, their words and actions had better line up with at least an attempt to emulate Him. Thomas held few Christ-like qualities, and given his lack of peace, lack of joy, lack of understanding, lack of self control, lack of kindness, lack of forgiveness, lack of love...all fruits of the Spirit that naturally accompany a walk with Christ, there is nothing else to call him, but a false apostle.

He would rather wait for the alleged judgement of the saints so he could have revenge on anyone who had crossed him than to make peace according to the WORD. He would rather chew on onxycodone than call his pastor to confess and hold himself accountable. He would rather sleep his day away and mope around, rather than turn his eyes out to others in need.

I confess I was hurt by this man. The Lord had given me a burden in my heart for him...a supernatural love for him that enabled me to withstand his verbal assaults and try to be a peacemaker. I am certain I made mistakes...but I know the LORD saw my heart was to serve...to bless...until enough time had passed and the LORD released me from the burden.

I still do not know why the LORD used me to try to minister to Thomas, when he is so obviously lost. Perhaps it is because HE is not willing that any should perish. Perhaps it is because no one can last long ministering to such a hedonist. Perhaps it was only for the purpose of teaching me to have more patience, more grace, more forgiveness.

Thomas had warned me not to cast my pearls before swine....he didn't warn me that he was one of them.

..Back by popular demand....

CRIMSON TEARS

by Ree

Silver, shining, mirrrored blade

Reflecting white satin and blue thread.

Edge dances, nestled down deep

into the satin seam.

Warmth of scarlet silk streams down

the fresh white alabaster wrist,

tangled between long tapered fingers;

dripping upon linen pillowcase

like crimson tears.

Pain is pleasure in this bed,

throbbing wound eased only

by halted breathing and clenching teeth.

This new lover

wounds more cleanly.

Eyes close with satisfaction

as crimson tears

pool around the face.